overeducated and underemployed

lenny crapvitz

No doubt that the majority of American consumers have seen the latest GAP commercial featuring the always perky Sarah J. Parker and Lenny "I Wear My Way Too Big Sunglasses at Night" Kravitz. Once again we are reminded that beautiful white women everywhere love The Kravitz. Really, who could resist a man that can rock the hell out of, what, like three chords, while promoting cords?

It seems that GAP commercials are fast becoming the 99cent CD bins of the retail industry. I hated that Hollywood song by Madonna and cringed everytime I had to be bombarded by every other line of it that rhymed with "wood." It was like, hey everybody I'm over 40 and can do the splits! Gee, that's a real feat. If my thigh tendons were the consistency of boiled Ramen noodles I could do that too.

Now back to Len. This Gap thing, coupled with his recent affair with Nicole Kidman makes it clear that Lenny has let
his rockness factor slip. Okay, sure, Nicole's nice to look at (if you like giant pale insectoids), but doinkin' Tom Cruise's sloppy scientological seconds is surely not an act to secure one's rock status. However self imposed that status may be. Still, if you take a gander over at all things Kravitz make sure to stop by the photo gallery. You'll never forgive yourself if you miss such classic photography as, Kravitz Sulks Shirtless, Kravitz Sulks On Fluffy Wool Rug, Kravitz Straddles Guitar Sulkingly. I know why his relationship with Crablegs Kidman ended, his guitar told him to break it off. It's so clear now. The guitar was jealous! With her around there'd be no more twang, twang, twang with his wang, wang, wang. Okay, okay. I just wanted to rhyme twang with wang. Hey! I could write songs for Madgedonnaster!

everything old is new again

Apparently, John Kerry's old crappy demo is now worth something. In unrelated news:

Coming to an ebay near you when Megan is wildly rich and famous!

- Audio cassettes of her singing Annie as a two year old.

- Libretto of spoon-puppet theatre masterpiece Puffy Men from Outer Space.

- Riveting and socially conscious short stories about pre-teens buying cute clothes and dating cute boys.

- Dramatic camcorder-captured moments of a high school-aged Megan turning gender on its head as "Renfield" in Dracula.

- This blog.

will ferrell may be the savior of absurdist comedy...

...but that don't make him Jesus.

In fact, if, on one of the rare occasions I go to church, my sermon is based on the gospel according to Anchorman, I'm walking out.

this is not my beautiful pastime

Last night at the Braves/Dodgers homerun derby, in a slot normally occupied by sports recaps and the day's funniest shots to the nuts, we were treated to a movie preview. For the Exorcist prequel. We're talking intercut scenes of film and baseball, up on the scoreboard.

Sure, I know, these things seem totally unrelated and possibly forced. But the execs who put this tie-in together really made it feel very natural. Scary movie? Scary good baseball! Legacy of evil? Legacy of ass-kicking! Child possessed by the devil himself spins her head around, vomits bile, and uses a cross in incredibly inappropriate ways? Umm...here's Eric Gagne, look, he can pitch!

don't we all?

Judge Rules in Favor of Van der Beek.

I don't even know what this case is about, he's just so dreamy.

i can't be totally positive, but...

I think I just saw Malcolm-Jamal Warner at the news cafe, looking decidedly courier-ish. The Solomonster and I envisioned a whole new life for him as a studio messenger, delivering mail with a spring in his step and a smile in his heart, as unsuspecting execs suddenly and inexplicably get "jammin on the one" in their heads.

Robert, r-r-r-robert.

y'all don't want to hear me you just want to dance

Just when you thought you could never shake it like a polaroid picture again:

The Peanuts break it down, Outkast-style

teenage wasteland

Fear for our nation's youth! Enjoy some of the eyebrow-raising winners of this year'sTeen Choice Awards:

Date Movie: 50 First Dates

Movie Actress, Drama/Adventure: Halle Berry, Gothika

Single: "Toxic," Britney Spears

Love Song: "I Miss You," Blink-182

Song of the Summer: "Pieces of Me," Ashlee Simpson

I post with such disdain for generation whatever the crap they are because I know I wasn't this stupid when I was a teenager. At least not in this way. More in a "I'm different, just like all the other different people" kind of way.

i collect spores, molds, and fungus

As I was posting on a past favorite cartoon, I was reminded of the fact that when RockStarJeff and I would watch tv and do our inevitable kid thing, where you pick which character on the show you're going to be, I was always the I.Q to his Bond Jr. Indeed, regardless of the cartoon, I was always the nerd, and he was always the cool sarcastic indifferent guy who got all the glory. Given our current career paths, things haven't changed much. Still, then and now, there's not a lot of shame in being the nerd because some of the best characters are too. Here's a breakdown of just a few I ended up "playing" as a child and why they still rock.

Egon Spengler: I already loved Harold Ramis's Egon from the live-action classic; it was only logical that I would fall for The Real Ghostbusters oddly-Euro but still bespectacled version. Venkman had the one-liners, Ray was the sweet one and Winston had the street-cred, but Egon was the one who was catching all the ghosts man! With science. This was serious inter-academic empathy for me, and a tribute to Egon's relatable personality, despite his methods.

Donatello: Though he kicks ass with his turtle pals, I think we all know that
Donatello mainly "does machines." I choose to believe that "doing machines" is simply a way of saying "builds and/or tinkers with electronic and mechanical items developed to assist in crime-fighting endeavors." And I chose to emulate Donatello's building/tinkering/innovating ways. As well as his very stylish purple- headband wearing ways. In fact, he's so stylin' Donatello is the only character on this list who doesn't wear glasses. Who knew you could get contacts in the sewer?

Velma: Oft-ignored crime solver with a fabulous bowl haircut and kneesocks. Cruelly destined to spend half her life on her hands and knees, searching for her glasses, Velma's pluck in the face of continuing adversity was an inspiration. Her example of unwavering tolerance of all the other ninnies in the mystery machine probably got me through junior high. She provided me with Halloween costume fodder for years, she's a whiz with a pulley or a mine car, and diligent about keeping her neck covered and warm. Great lady.

Milhouse Van-Houten: An unsung hero in the extended Simpsons family, Milhouse is a regular kid; He's got problems at home, he's bullied by everyone, and he might be gay. Still, he knows his role and performs it admirably, rising above a simple "comic foil" for Bart. Some of the best self-aware nerd lines ever have come from his blue-haired head, including:

"No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral!"

"Step over this line and say that! I'll kick your butt! [quietly] ...at Nintendo."

Bart: "Well we're having the best spring break of our lives and we don't need you around nerding it up!! "
Milhouse: "That job is taken!!"

Bart: "Okay Milhouse, you know the drill."
Milhouse: "Right, you go over and wow them, I hide in the shrubs."

I.Q.: Son of Q, and the character who started this whole thing. Truth be told, I remember little about I.Q. other than his neo-Egon styling and his bookish bent. Still, James Bond Jr. chased S.C.U.M. around the world, he needed a thinker to aid him in his escapades, and that thinker was I.Q.

Who was your cartoon alter-ego?

gaurini watch!

In an effort to distinguish ourselves from all the other hollywood-ish sarcastic bastards out there, OandU is giving the people a little something new. Something the people don't even know that they need. Something that will make the people feel better about themselves whenever they feel down. Without any further justification I offer you reading sensation of the summer: Guarini watch!

Justin Guarini will star in "Good Vibrations," premiering July 29 at Vassar College's new Martel Theater.