overeducated and underemployed

trying times for jessica simpson

Sometimes it's tough being the only teenybopper secretary at the luau.

mischa, moving on

OMG, life without that little show I used to be on before they said I was a real pain to be around on set and killed me (oops, I mean maybe killed me, depends on if you guys get that "save marissa" letter-writing campaign together, but you didn't hear it from me, right?) is awesome you guys! Can you not see how awesome I feel from the inside out? I am totally projecting awesome through my eyes straight to you, the bestest fans ever. I love everyone, except Australian writers. Kidding! The new Mischa laughs off criticism!

save the date

August 3, 2006: The first time we've ever hoped that Tara Reid got trashed enough to take off her pants.

Truly, the hideousness of this denim can only be rivalled by American Idol contestant Melissa McGhee.

lance bass gay?

Eh. Who cares. If less than half that band ends up gay, I'm disappointed. I've seen the Bye Bye Bye video attempted by many, and straight men just can't dance like that, trust me.

No, the real scandal here is the the photograph Yahoo has chosen to run alongside this complete non-story (shown at left, obvs). I mean, this is Lance's most fabulous moment to date, and they've got him showing off his goofy teeth and wearing a Radio Shack logo-emblazoned mock turtleneck? Give the man a break. He's already lost cred by closetting himself for years just so J.C. Chasez could get rich and bang Eva Longoria. There has to be a photo of him strutting through West Hollywood, rocking something from the International Male collection while the general populace swoons. No? Maybe something from his would-be astronaut days then? Or, really, anything that hasn't been embroidered with the name of a crappy electronics chain?

the fast and the spurious

You might think Michelle Rodriguez has had a bit to drink here. And you might be right. But fear not, good friends. She learned a lesson on that set in Hawaii, and she's headed home on horseback.

Now, if only she could remember where she tied her ride up.

jessica simpson redefines horror

It shall hereby mean: video featuring the thrusting of an ice cream cone at one's face in the most thinly veiled allusion to oral sex in the history of the act.

Seriously, watch. A few times. It's almost too frightening to be believed.

who's the weirder couple at the prada party?

Reggie Miller and the Alias girl

...or Lindsay Lohan and Angie Harmon?

not so much worried about britney or k-fed or sean preston

...as Ms. Spears' stylists, who have obviously been abducted. Along with any friends or family who would have perhaps been less professionally qualified, but still capable of saying something along the lines of:

"yo, Brit. Wash and comb your hair (even dye it a little darker, if you have time), unclump the mascara, and find an outfit you didn't buy in the junior's section. Seriously. You're a pregnant mother. Matt Lauer is wearing loafers without socks, an act which deserves our condemnation, and yet we can't look past your splotchiness to do so. Help us, Brit. We want to condemn Matt Lauer's European affectations. We need you to be awesome again. We got you a python and a tear away tux outfit to help you remember the good days. Yes, we hid them in the shower, and....quick! Jamie-Lynn, turn the water on, I'll hold the door. Brit, this is for your own good. Kevin! Go, burn that jean skirt! Sean! Throw the trashy platform flip flops out the window!" And so on and so forth.

Surely, it would have happened just like that, had everyone not fled, taking the household's store of common sense with them.

before the entourage premiere

Babe. Please. I know all actors are short, and my specific "short" is kind of an adorable Michael J. Fox throwback thing, but this is my night. Could you umm...please...maybe not wear your five inch platform heels? I mean, you're a Hilton, the world is your oyster, and inside that oyster is a member of the paparazzi angling to document your every move. I appreciate the totally uglifying tapered black jean/legging thing you're doing for me, believe me, I do. But maybe with flats? It'd be very Mischa, and I know you love her. No, you don't? No one does? Still, just umm....three inches? For me? I'll be nice to Paris...

Fuck. Maybe I'll just stand far away from you, so our height disparity looks like an illusion? Yeah, that'll totally work.

there's no way tom cruise said something this funny

...And so we must assume that Keri Russell is pulling the P.R. equivalent of gnawing one's limb out of a bear trap. Yes, she's soiling herself on national television in a misguided effort to flee the omnipresent Tom Cruise and his dazzling array of expensive jeans, plain t-shirts and short leather jackets in varied neutrals.

Keri, spare your formal shorts, there is no escape.