overeducated and underemployed

dear women's magazine editors

Don't ask me why, but something about air travel (the altitude, the discomfort, the alarming feelings of mortality) tricks me into buying your periodicals. "I am going to find the perfect jeans/bathing suit/hair style!" I think, "and surely these sex secrets are brand spanking new" (pardon the pun). Of course, I am never right, and upon landing I realize my delusions have hoodwinked me out of a good ten dollars yet again. Still, as annoying as it can be, this is old news, women's magazine editors. I don't intend to harass you about things you are surely aware of. No, I have a new bone to pick with you, about your July '06 issues. Two bones to be exact:

1. I am not belting my shirt. I am not belting my dress. If I were to, I would NEVER EVER EVER do it over skinny (read: tapered, legging-style) jeans. Because I was alive the last time that was cool, and you're not fooling me the second time around. And because a belt around my ribcage when I'm wearing a t-shirt sounds miserable.

2. When was Lindsay Lohan's last SNL on? Oh yeah, April. You've just now incorporated "coinslot" into your lexicon? You realize that the rest of us heard it, laughed at it, maybe used it once or twice, then found it annoying and moved on? You should be over this term. If you aren't, you certainly shouldn't be calling attention to it with an exclamation point, explanation of origin, or giggly excitement about its appearance in print.

With that, I thank you for your time, women's magazine editors. I look forward to you amending your products by September, when I next travel via plane and decide I need to know what you think about women's rights in the middle east (prediction: they suck!!!1). Good day.

cheney does battle with his softening inner self

Smirk? Snarl? Smile? Quick Cheney, think before you end up with some weird tight-lipped half-expression of almost niceness.
Crap. Too late.

coming this fall to cbs

If a crime needs solving it needs...The Crime Solving Unit. Cranky aging detective Roger Law (Vice President Dick Cheney) leads a team of highly skilled but socially quirky detectives in this thrilling new drama from Jerry Bruckheimer.

PILOT EPISODE: The girl in the blue jacket is shocked to discover that she has been recruited to work on Roger Law's renowned team of investigators because (gasp!)...she is his long lost daughter. Also, the other three old guys get to the bottom of an innovatively grisly murder.

sayonara suckers

I am off to North Carolina for a friend's wedding, some family time, and, according to the state seal "to be, rather than seem." That last bit may prove challenging for the Angeleno in me, but I'll be extra special fake and shallow upon my return to compensate.

Please, do check in round these parts tomorrow and Monday, because while I am off in the unpleasant humidity of the south, my preprogrammed typepad will be magically delivering you the long-gestating Cheney pictures you deserve. You see, he's a warlock. Typepad. Not Cheney. Though, it would explain some things...

random spam email title generator gems

Ohmygod, an actually recurring recurring feature! Let's just call it the summer of spam here at OandU, because my inbox has been filling up with delightfully mismatched words and misleading phrases that must be discussed. Today's example comes from "Hollie" who writes:

"Full of Health? Then don't click"

Damn. That bitch is a genius. I hate being told what to do, AND I'm a hypochondriac. I'm going to have to click. I don't want to, but...hey! It's an ad for Cialis! Again! So many uses for that stuff, no?

[previously]

bievenidos, son of satan

Just wanted to give a shout out to the Antichrist, slated to be born of a woman today. Sadly, that woman appears to be Julia Stiles. Evil indeed.

before the entourage premiere

Babe. Please. I know all actors are short, and my specific "short" is kind of an adorable Michael J. Fox throwback thing, but this is my night. Could you umm...please...maybe not wear your five inch platform heels? I mean, you're a Hilton, the world is your oyster, and inside that oyster is a member of the paparazzi angling to document your every move. I appreciate the totally uglifying tapered black jean/legging thing you're doing for me, believe me, I do. But maybe with flats? It'd be very Mischa, and I know you love her. No, you don't? No one does? Still, just umm....three inches? For me? I'll be nice to Paris...

Fuck. Maybe I'll just stand far away from you, so our height disparity looks like an illusion? Yeah, that'll totally work.

i can't decide: am i angry or amused?

Rolling Stone writes about what they consider to be women's self degredation in the name of scoring with the "big men on campus" at Duke.

1. Help me out, class of '01. Was this anything like our experience? Are we to believe things have changed THAT much?

2. What about the majority of students who aren't in the greek system?

3. Sweet Jesus, am I happy I hung out with the guys "playing video games" instead of these crazy girls.

4. Is it really anti-feminist to make your own choices? I can see how some women may be "scared" into this lifestyle, but in my opinion, the natural progression of the feminist movement is to assume equality rather than debating it, and go forward from there. Essentially, hypothetical fella: You and I have the same capacity for intelligence and therefore, you can't force me into anything. I make my own decisions.

i have but two words

Dishonorable discharge.

random spam email title generator gems

Another in a long line of OandU quickly abandoned "series" posts (oh, how I miss thee, Guarini Watch)? Possibly. But let's look on the bright side and pretend it's here to stay, because I like it so much. Behold, today's inaugural entry:

"sexy baby and bad erection?"

Why yes, I've got BOTH of those unique problems, "Cristina Aaron"! Thank you for providing me with the Cialis info necessary to rid myself of them, you're a peach.