overeducated and underemployed

no sir, you are the creep

With your hat, and your dog, and your completely inaccurate drawing of our glorious Vice President as some simpleton cartoon man with a wacky side-speaking mouth. Fie. If your dog could talk, he would probably say, "Help me! My owner is a creep! He is a mediocre caricature artist! He does not appreciate the handsome evil of Dick Cheney, and that is truly inhumane!" And then, to throw you off his scent, he would close with "Arf, arf! Bark bark bark! Woofity woof von woofson!"

So you see sir, it could not be any clearer. Dick Cheney = awesome man supported by your very intelligent talking dog. You = creep.

playoff musings

-In the NBA, defense is called "fouling". If you are under the basket with your hands up, and someone breezes by you impressively in an attempt to throw up some ill-advised circus shot, you have fouled them. Simply by virtue of your existence.

- Somehow, the extra eight minutes in an NBA game translates to an extra eight years of viewing time... what with all the foul-related clock stoppage and product to be sold.

- Even though it is both a bad angle and bad luck, the telecast producers insist on shooting at least 10 possessions a game with the sickening "I'm somewhere in the rafters, behind the action, and almost upside down" view. Nothing good happens at this angle, either on the court or at home in my newly dizzy-made head.

- The Clippers are awesome, and last night's performance was not indicative of that awesomeness. Prepare ye the way of the Clips.

reality bites

Mr Hawke. Sigh. You used to have that adorable school boy look (oh captain, my captain, swoon). Then you had that just out of school, but equally adorable in your waywardness look. And now? Well, now you're Uma-less and sporting an unflattering back in school as the overly sexual art teacher look. You're just steps ahead of the rumor that you slept with a senior a few years back, and it's creeping me out.

Please. I know you're totally indie, you write novels and you direct interminably long films that put me to sleep despite their interesting soundtracks. But that doesn't mean you can't shave, lose the hat and find a jacket less jean-y and more...your size. There's some adorableness left in you, I know it. Go forth, and be cute. It's what Mr. Keating would have wanted.

unchained mediocrity

For what is probably the most talented top 5 ever (I am of course excluding Pickler from this one) last night was just miserable. Not miserable because everyone sucked, for the most part they were okay (again, excluding Pickler). They were just...boring. And I blame that as much on the theme as I do on them. No one is going to be won over with a sappy love song. It just isn't going to happen. The only reason they exist is because long standing artists can get away with them every once in awhile. You earn your way with something up-tempo and personality-filled, then you sneak in with the ballad. That's the way it works.

As for who's going home, sadly our situation is much like last week's. Will the less talented singer take someone good out? I fear that tonight we lose Paris (Memories?!! Why?!!) in favor of Kellie. You see, Paris knows what calimari is, and America just doesn't like that in a singer.

holla back, clipper nation

I know you're out there.

Honestly, it's just a matter of time before the nation is swept up by Clipper spirit. Kobe who?

sleep?! that's where cheney's a viking (and the poll numbers are great)

You'd think, with members of the administration dropping like flies, that Cheney might get a little extra shuteye to ensure this didn't happen. Maybe grab a coffee, or keep some smelling salts in his pocket?

[previously, previouslyer]

a tribute to the newly unemployed scott mcclellan

From husband extraordinaire, the Solomonster:

Look, I know a lot of folks hate this guy, but I recognize him for what he truly is: the hardest working sucka in America. You think your job is tough? Imagine spending 8 hours a day doing nothing but answering questions like “Where are these WMD’s that everyone is talking about?” or “Why are the Iraqi POW’s stacked up in a naked human pyramid?” or “What do you mean you didn’t know the levees could break?” (And I bet he’s salaried so he doesn’t even get overtime.) Sure, he could have easily said exactly what he was thinking. “Sorry, but my boss is a total 5th generation trust fund Yalie douchebag.” Or “that’s what happens when you elect the leader of the free world using the rationale of ‘Hey, isn’t that guy the KID of that other guy?’” But, no, my boy Scott, the ultimate team player, bit the bullet and answered the questions as intelligently as possible (“we have no comment at this time”). So, Scott, I feel you; that totally sucked. You’ve definitely earned some Scott time. And when you’re ready to join the ranks of the gainfully employed again, try to find a gig that’s a little less brutal. I hear there are some South American dictators looking for people to taste their meals for poison…

bewitched, bothered, bewildered over idol

We're at that really crummy point in the season. That point where there are five great competitors, two decent ones, and an unpredictable voting audience that will save the decent because they're cute or funny or from North Carolina. So, which talented person gets screwed tonight as a result? Chris, Katharine, Paris, Elliott and Taylor (the aforementioned five) nailed their songs. Ace was passable (though creepy with the Pat Riley hair) and threw in his signature teen-heartstring-plucking falsetto for good measure. Kellie was a disaster, but she admitted it gracefully, a truly brilliant strategy that separated her from past party-crashers like Scott Savol or John Stevens. It was a strong night for everyone else, and yet her complete and utter failure was one of the most memorable parts of the evening.

And thus sadly, between Kellie's pluck, Ace's sassy facial expressions and Simon's insistance that he doesn't have a personality, I think Elliott will be sent home. Which is a shame, because he's my probably my favorite wacky haired snaggle toothed hobbitty singer ever.

well, it was fun while it lasted

This is the apocalypse, no?

Kidding aside, some bizarre part of me feels responsible for Katie Holmes' well-being. I can't figure it out. Maybe it's because we're the same age? Brunettes? "Married" to older men (jokes, Solomonster!)? Dawson's Creek fans? Whatever it is, I always feel a twinge of guilt when mocking her misfortune, as though I should be directing that energy towards devising a plan to kidnap her and set her free. FREEEEE!!!!

afternoon clips: holiday in namibia edition

- The next best thing to adopting a foreign baby? Giving your own baby a foreign name.

- Eva Longoria wants you to care about her opinions. On things other than outfits, hairdos, and sleeping with basketball players.

- Grandma-less Fiery Furnaces album gets the a-okay.

- Wow. Just, wow. What a lucky lady his wife is.

- Nothing says "I'm a serious artist" like studying the religion of Madonna, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.