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This is not the way you treat Mr. Cheney, CNN. Nor his rabid fanbase. That's right, all 7 of us are starting a boycott. And a letter writing campaign. Once we are done mourning the loss of this 1/15th of a second with the Veep, I assure you, there will be hell to pay.
My attention span can handle only captions today. Thankfully, good ones abound!
- Somewhere in the distance, a gong sounded emphatically.
- Nerds, meet your ideal woman (non-robot/mail order division).
- What do you give the turtle who has everything? Obviously, a large cake in its own image, so as to lend the affair a whole creepy, self-cannibalistic tone.
- How could you execute a dude this awesome?
First it was the drinking. I mean, sure, you were in college and the wrestling team was big on parties and Jennifer Love Hewitt wouldn't put out, but that is no excuse. You had a problem. Like a ruining Owen's birthday and crashing your car kind of problem. I thought you had turned a corner the way you were running Salinger's, helping out with the furniture store and eventually (despite your lack of academic achievements) ending up at Wharton. But then you showed up in Everwood. And your name was Jake. And you were just too damned perfect. Something was wrong Bailey, and I knew not what until this past Thursday.
Percocet. You are either addicted to it, or addicted to staring at it provocatively in a way that worries me. Either way, it will not be tolerated Mr. Salinger. Not one bit.
I have come from heaven to fulfill your fantasy of making love in the blinding light of my electric panties whilst being gored by my incredibly disproportionate wings. Hoorah! Let's get crazy! First, you must plug me in. Do you have a back up generator? Also, do you mind if my husband Seal sings in the background? He looks so lovely framed by my feathers. You know we are trying for another kinder? Yes! My crotch-bulbs double as incubators! The Victoria's Secret, it is sexy and practical, no?
- You guys, Kelly Osbourne isn't rich, her parents are. I mean she earns her own money, and she spends it on clothes. Just like when you earn money, and spend it on your rent and food and student loans.
- Wait... APEC? Is that Asian Pacific Economic Cooperation, or the American Puppet Exchange Council (Shadow Division)? Bush is involved in so many fun extracurriculars, it's hard to keep track.
- Harry Potter reviews are in. The verdict? Awesome (and a half).
- Could two more worthless people deserve each other any more?
- Maxim names greatest "short dudes", has them pose half naked in provocative positions. Half of that is true.
Congrats. I'm seriously considering scientology, and it's all thanks to you. You're just turning it on lately, man! You are making this tax shelter practical joke cult celebrity crutch church look fun! You know real fun, without all the crazy that Tom Cruise was bringing. Sure, a couple of weeks ago you were dancing, "Grease-style" and that was totally awesome. But now you're wearing bright colors and yelling at soccer games and pretending to fly an effing airbus! Which seats like 8,000 people!!!1
We never partied like this in CCD.
In honor of Clark, Texas renaming themselves DISH (all caps, apparently it's one agressive place) in exchange for 10 years of free cable, I am announcing a new and exciting OandU advertising ploy. Rename your city/town/village/burg/shire "Embittered Hollywood Type with Inexplicable Fixation on Dick Cheney-sville", and I will keep blogging, entirely cost free, for the duration of my interest in it. AND, should your town be in the Western United States, and should gas prices drop unexpectedly to oh, say $1.50/gallon, I will drive to said town and blog from there. Once. It'll probably be a shitty post.
Contact me today about this exciting civic opportunity!
...are total assholes about it.
Cheney adopts the administration's new petulant and pre-teeny press conference demeanor, uses scary words like "dishonest" "reprehensible" "and "pernicious" (all too big for the president, obvs) to describe his detractors. For their part, his detractors could only use one word to describe Cheney's flushed and furor-filled visage:
Sexy.
Which, to be honest, the veep was quite disarmed by. He momentarily reconsidered his point. Momentarily.
