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...and as always, fails miserably.
Ash, the trick to the hip held arm pop over the shoulder glance is committment. Embrace the excorcist thing and twist that head. Smile big, don't look sheepish. Wear a dress that lifts your breasts up, instead of a dress that forces your breasts to drag your neck down. And...try to find a date next time. Maybe you can get him a crocheted vest, do the whole matchy Lachey thing?
...start gathering screen captures of Julie Chen on Thursday's Big Brother episodes. I implore you. Her ensembles keep getting more and more ridiculous. Last night, she wore pants that were not only tapered but actually banded at the bottom (like a sweatshirt) so they bloused out at her ankles. They were absolutely confounding. I don't think pants that hideous even existed in the eighties, except maybe in a wider-legged Hammer look. Everytime the camera pulled back and her ankles were in shot I burst out laughing. Poor Eric got evicted and I couldn't even be bothered to hear his self-righteous interview responses because at that point Julie had crossed her legs, thus placing her poof-bottomed pants in full-view.
The Solomonster thought I was crazy at the time, but he found backing evidence for my guffaws this morning. He's a good man, Charlie Brown.
[ed. note: if you think, by the way, that this excessive chen talk is my way of calling moonves out, then you are damned right. where you at les?]
Update! TVGasm had the screencaps, and now you have the pants. Thanks to the Pop Culture Petri Dish.
The Solomonster and I are headed down there this weekend, and we're packing tonight. We finally have the whole crossing the border thing under control...anything else to be forewarned about before heading south of the border (non-Pedro style)?
I truly could not have done it without you.
- K-Fed is just so zen when Britney's throwing a "wobbler". You know, I'm beginning to think it's going to work out for these two.
- After reading about Bow Wow and Ciara's relationship, I can't help but wonder if mine holds up. Solomonster, would you "ride or die" for me? Would you at least look up what it means and consider it?
- Owen Wilson is a scientist, he seeks to understand thee.
- As if I needed more reasons to adore Ted Leo. He's reading Harry Potter. And coming back to LA.
- Jen and Ben are having a girl, which totally depresses J. Lo, whose only prospects for motherhood involve producing the spawn of Skeletor. Chin up J. Lo. Just keep reminding yourself that with this unnatural child you can finally learn the secrets of the Castle Grayskull, take over Eternia, and leave the block for good.
I believe, in every group of friends, there is a Rudy. Not just a guy who is sweet, and an underdog, but someone who their friends will insist "is Rudy, okay?" And everyone's Rudy is more Rudy than yours. He's five foot nothinger, a hundred and nothinger, and in this life, he don't have nothing to prove to nobody but himself. Er.
This, my friends, is why Sean Astin is probably an evil genius or a warlock or something. One indelible character in an arguably average movie, and he has wormed his way into our hearts. And our lexicons. This is why, when I see some puff piece about his wife giving birth, I'm not thinking, "who gives a shit about Encino Man" as I logically should. No. I'm almost proud of the guy. Because I'm thinking of Rudy. My Rudy. Aw. Wait. I hope he hasn't gotten anyone pregnant.
Big Brother finally got good last night. The pretty people remembered to stop being so pretty on the inside, and started the strategizing that makes this game so much fun to watch. I'll spare you the details and refer you to the post title for the end result of said details, but let it be known that you should start watching. Nothing is better than lying hypocrites calling lying hypocrites lying hypocrites. And eating peanut butter and jelly.
Can you find RockStarJeff on the cover of this fortnight's LA Alternative Press? (check your answer after the jump!)
Yes, Wires on Fire continues to be adored by the local press. And lucky for you non-locals, they're on tour. Check it out:
7/27- Tucson, AZ @ The Living Room, 7/29- Austin, TX @ Emo's, 7/30- Houston, TX @ Walter's on Washington, 7/31- New Orleans, LA @ Twiropa, 8/2- Gainseville, FL @ Common Grounds, 8/4- Atlanta, GA @ The Masquerade, 8/6- Greensboro, NC @ Ace's Basement, 8/7- Chapel Hill, NC @ Local 506, 8/10- Richmond, VA @ Nanci Raygun, 8/13- Brooklyn, NY @ North Six, 8/14- Boston, MA @ Middle East Upstairs, 8/16- New Brunswick, NJ @ 120 Hamilton Street, 8/17- Pittsburgh, PA @ Garfield Artworks, 8/18- Lansing, MI @ Mac's Bar, 8/20- Racine, WI "The Mystery Show" @ Memorial Hall, 9/6- Los Angeles, CA @ The Knitting Factory.
At first, I was thinking I'd have to wage a public relations war against my former employers' television endeavors. Then I thought, nah. I'll just let the futon critic do it for me.
- Oi, being the Queen is great fun.
- Angelina to adopt a Russian baby. This time alone. I don't want another hunk contracting meningitis in the name of Jolie's "rainbow family".
- Scientologists love the publicity Katie Holmes brings them, but not the cold sores. Those, they find insulting.
- Puerto Rican Ricky Martin "vows to stamp out Arab stereotypes." How? With his bon-bon. Why? We have no clue.
- 19 year old Lindsay Lohan thinks she just went through puberty a year ago. Umm. I'm just guessing, given her previous assets, she is quite mistaken on this point.
