overeducated and underemployed

feeding the machine

Two Lopez mentions in one day, I feel dirty. Still, this is so sad that it could not go unshared:

Lopez was devastated by the critical-mauling her films Gigli and Jersey Girl received, and hopes her success in director Robert Luketic's romantic comedy [Monster-in-Law] proves her previous failures were caused by poor film choices, not bad acting. She gushes, "This proves I am a good actress."

Yes. And by Jen's delightful logic Meet the Fockers should sweep the Oscars and Olivier had nothing on Macauley Culkin. Have you seen footage of Sir Larry's take on "aftershave induced pain"? Embarassingly amateur.

suddenly...

I love Marc Anthony, and hate Jennifer Lopez.

Actually, I guess only the Marc Anthony part can be classified as "sudden."

i said lady

Step inside my Hyundai.

The Solomonster and I bought a car this weekend. I think we're still in shock. It has yet to be taken to Glendale (for a real good meal), but it's only a matter of time. I mean, come on, this baby's warrantied for 10 years, we can go wherever.

an open letter to josh schwartz, from marissa cooper*

Why did I have to shoot Trey? Dear God, aren't I fucked up enough? Let's see...My Dad embezzles money. My Mom divorces him. I overdose in Tijuana and am going to be sent to a mental institution. Instead, I go to therapy where I meet a psycho who becomes obsessed with me and eventually locks me in his hotel room with a gun. Meanwhile, my Mom sleeps with my 17 year old ex-boyfriend, my Dad tries to make out with my friend's Mom, I am made to watch a Rooney concert, and my current boyfriend gets his ex-girlfriend pregnant and leaves.

I drink. I throw pool chairs and scream.

My mother, now married to a heartless real estate magnate, is in porn. My father decides it's all right to leave me in this environment, opting to live a carefree life in Hawaii. My ex-boyfriend returns only to date a rat who might be my stepdad's daughter.  I date a gardener. I date a lesbian high school dropout with questionable fashion sense who makes me do housework and dress poorly. I get back together with my boyfriend only to have his brother try to rape me. I have crazy visions wherein my boyfriend's head is replaced with his rapey brother's. My heartless real estate magnate stepfather dies. My boyfriend and his brother beat the crap out of each other, and, oh yeah, I shoot Trey you asshole!

Also, my sister is probably dead, and even worse, has a bald horse.

Every character on this show is well-adjusted compared to me, and I wasn't even raised in Chino. Why couldn't Summer have shot Trey? I mean, she doesn't seem to have any parents, she's indecisive, and she wears a mouthguard while punching a bag but otherwise she's okay. And Seth? All of his problems are self created. How about Zach? I mean, that guy is really boring. Kirsten in a drunken rage? Anna, back from Pittsburgh where she's become a gunslinger? Sandy's eyebrows, finally free from his face and ready to make their mark? Why not any of them?

And what the fuck was up with that music? I thought robots had taken over the show. But then I realized, robots would never be this cruel to one girl. You're worse than robots, Schwartz.

So please, dear God, please cut me some slack next season. I've been trying so hard to escape my past. I'll be applying to colleges, why don't we have an episode where I pick schools, or take the SAT? That's wacky, and relatable. No?

*or, a convenient way for the editor to reminisce on a season's worth of OC posts. i almost worked them all in, too. here are the remainders.
 

don't eff with an unemployed employee megan

Seriously, Budget. You think you can charge me a fee when I clearly cancelled within my allotted 48 hours? I've got lot of time on my hands, and you've got another thing coming.

Also, what's with you costing so much more than U-Haul in the first place? To quote my husband the Solomonster, you've just lost my business forever, jerkfaces.

[ed. note: the "jerkfaces" addition is mine]

damned frenchwomen and their abstractions

Black smoke goes up, Danielle comes out of hiding and we've got another mystery on Lost. Just who are these "others"?

The Others?

The Others?

The Others?

The Brothers?

The Mothers?

We can only hope this will be one of the few questions answered in next week's 2 hour finale....

the bo show

I think this might be the most consistent top three in American Idol history.  And once again, Clive Davis is a sappy little man.

Vonzell: Definitely pitchy on the first song, but the second and third were great. This is why I inevitably like her better than Carrie. Both can sing, but the Solomonster is so much more fun to watch.

Bo: Though I wasn't nearly as impressed with the acapella thing as the judges were (obvs he's used that schtick at bars across the south, it makes the panties hit the floor.), this was the Bo show. Beyond being a good performer, and different (for American Idol, at least), Bo really proved himself to be a singer tonight.

Carrie: Loved the first 2 songs vocally, but I thought Man, I Feel Like a Woman was abysmal. That song requires that a person has actually used their "prerogative to have a little fun" at some point in their life, and though she sang an extra "fun fun" while shaking her hips awkwardly, Carrie could not convince me otherwise.

I'd love for it to be Bo and Vonzell, but I think it'll be Bo and Carrie in the finale, with Bo the clear winner. I know, bold prediction, right?

hmm. can i handle britney's truth?

An experiment in live blogging, sans Tivo (which is otherwise occupied recording non-crap).

9:04 Commercial Break

Truth Status: So far...yes, I think I can handle it. But, to be fair, I've only seen the opening credits. Pray for me.

9:15 Commercial Break

Remember when Britney was a pop star?

Did she make everyone in her entourage adopt her ridiculous faux southern accent? They're like the ya-yas meet the country bears after 10 mint juleps and 4 slow gin fizzes. I wish they'd carry parasols.

Wow. She needs a voice modulator in her car.

I like British TRL. They have pretty graphics.

Oooh, yay! Everyone take this "bitter betty" wordsmithery and run with it.

So, Britney can't get this guy out of her head. Who could it...oh my god! It's a serial killer!

Truth Status: Not a lot of truth yet to handle, I'd say. I'm feeling alright. Though that last shot of Kevin cannot bode well...

9:31 Commercial Break:

Was that bus stock footage, or is someone tailing Britney?

Every single dorm room I ever lived in, some dumb bitch left those glow in the dark stars on the ceiling.

Being in Britney's entourage is FUN Y'ALL! It's like being in high school all the time! And let me tell you (all), that pig nose thing she does never gets old.

The proprietor of "The Onyx Hotel " is going to keep me up at nights.

Yes, Britney was experiencing a void on tour. In her vagina.

Truth Status: Handling Britney's "truth" is easy if you are willing to giggle at naughty things. I don't know if J.C. Chasez handled it very well, but I totally blushed and smiled, so I'm doing okay.

9:44 Commercial Break:

Magic happened for Kevin. But it didn't involve a hair brush.

Fuck the Yankees

Love is love man. Love is everything. All we are is dust in the wind.

Damn right Mo.

Night vision is such a let down when not accompanied by disinterested celebutante sex.

I am looking forward to Eminem's rap retort to Britney's slams...

Truth Status: Things are getting rough. I thought I had the situation under control, but the introduction of K-Fed has hindered my handling.

9:58 Commercial Break

Now that the whole music thing seems done, I think Britney has a second career as an art historian.

Yeah, why are you wearing those sunglasses? And acting like an idiot?

First art, now jazz...She's a woman of taste and distinction.

All right. Someone in this entourage needs to take a class, or get an effing tripod. I'm going to be sick.

Oh Britney. With Kevin, we're all scared.

Final Truth Status:  Despite the incredible depth and profundity or Ms. Spears' existence, I believe I have managed to handle her truth. At least, a condensed for television version of it. That being said, I cannot, as she so rightly stated, take that truth away from her. Britney and her truth are a lot like Whitney Houston and her dignity, in that respect. Oh, wait...

Next Week:

Kevin wants to know what Britney's thinking. Britney wants to know what Kevin's thinking. My money's on nothing, for either.

dear hollywood

If you'd like to get your shows on the air and enjoy the money (cash, hoes, etc.) that accompany said success, I am your secret weapon. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but there's something about the way I answer phones, pencil in schedules, and set meetings that's just so awesome, networks gotta reckanize.  Even networks run by singing amphibians.

Love,

Employee (for a show with a 13 episode order) Megan

p.s. That was a close one, Ms. McEntire. Don't let it happen again.

morning clips: waiting on up-fronts edition

- Wilmer Valderrama to launch clothing line. The designs will enable clearly talentless men to inexplicably ensnare ingenues the world over.

- Jason Priestly marries his second make-up artist, thus ensuring his continued prettiness.

- Are you ready for....Rappin' Neil Young?

- Inevitably disappointing Radiohead album due next spring.

- Come back soon, Bill.

- Gwen Stefani is just a girl. A girl who plans to oversaturate the market with her goofy  music.