Why did I have to shoot Trey? Dear God, aren't I fucked up enough? Let's see...My Dad embezzles money. My Mom divorces him. I overdose in Tijuana and am going to be sent to a mental institution. Instead, I go to therapy where I meet a psycho who becomes obsessed with me and eventually locks me in his hotel room with a gun. Meanwhile, my Mom sleeps with my 17 year old ex-boyfriend, my Dad tries to make out with my friend's Mom, I am made to watch a Rooney concert, and my current boyfriend gets his ex-girlfriend pregnant and leaves.
I drink. I throw pool chairs and scream.
My mother, now married to a heartless real estate magnate, is in porn. My father decides it's all right to leave me in this environment, opting to live a carefree life in Hawaii. My ex-boyfriend returns only to date a rat who might be my stepdad's daughter. I date a gardener. I date a lesbian high school dropout with questionable fashion sense who makes me do housework and dress poorly. I get back together with my boyfriend only to have his brother try to rape me. I have crazy visions wherein my boyfriend's head is replaced with his rapey brother's. My heartless real estate magnate stepfather dies. My boyfriend and his brother beat the crap out of each other, and, oh yeah, I shoot Trey you asshole!
Also, my sister is probably dead, and even worse, has a bald horse.
Every character on this show is well-adjusted compared to me, and I wasn't even raised in Chino. Why couldn't Summer have shot Trey? I mean, she doesn't seem to have any parents, she's indecisive, and she wears a mouthguard while punching a bag but otherwise she's okay. And Seth? All of his problems are self created. How about Zach? I mean, that guy is really boring. Kirsten in a drunken rage? Anna, back from Pittsburgh where she's become a gunslinger? Sandy's eyebrows, finally free from his face and ready to make their mark? Why not any of them?
And what the fuck was up with that music? I thought robots had taken over the show. But then I realized, robots would never be this cruel to one girl. You're worse than robots, Schwartz.
So please, dear God, please cut me some slack next season. I've been trying so hard to escape my past. I'll be applying to colleges, why don't we have an episode where I pick schools, or take the SAT? That's wacky, and relatable. No?