a brief treatise on one of the more despicable reality show character cliches

The cocky, indignant virgin.

Every reality dating show has to have one. Usually male, the CIV is your average cheesily attractive contestant until he "opens up" and has a "heart to heart," wherein his virginity is revealed. Then, the CIV suddenly becomes a bizarre incarnation of his former self. As his insecurity levels rise (inevitable, no virgin survives till the end), so does his obnoxious frat-guyness. He's a twitching, nervous, confident, proud mess.

The mantra of the CIV is generally some variation on the "it's not for lack of offers, buddy!" claim. Other favorites of the CIV are "my body is not a theme park/roller coaster/thrill ride/wonderland" or "you don't respect me/I respect my body/R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me." When cornered, the CIV will sputter these mantras on random, like a nervous asshole version of the life-affirming William Hung bobblehead doll K-Na was so kind to give me for Christmas this year.

My favorite CIV of late is The Bachelorette's Josh. On Monday's reunion special, despite being kicked off the show eons ago,  he continued to torture audiences with his cocky indignance, shaking his shellack-hair-topped-icky-goatee-adorned head with pride over his decision to be a 28 year old virgin. He seethed, assuring us all (once again) that he could get bitches, okay? He could have sex right now if he wanted to. He could fuck every person in the audience!

I guess Josh (and other CIVs, listen up), the point is, if you're doing the whole virginity thing for you/God/your mom/whomever, that really shouldn't be the focus. You probably should remember the reason you made that decision, and drop the cocky indignance. Just be a V. And hope that some day, a Trista /Meredith/Jen type will take that V away.

Comments

[showboat]

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