best headline ever

"Nick and Jessica Explain Themselves to the Family"

Ostensibly this is about their marriage, and whether or not it's on the rocks. But I like to envision it all going down kinda like this:

Lights Up

The Lachey family is gathered around their dining room table for Thanksgiving.

DADCHEY (leans over to son): So....who's the vapid virgin emeritus again?

NICK: Dadchey! That's Jessica! We went over this at the wedding.

JESSICA: You might not recognize me, because at the wedding, I was a princess!

MOMCHEY: Nick honey, let's never speak of that day again.

NICK: Listen Momchey. I respect you very much. But Jessica is my wife now, all right? Besides, she's just acting stupid.

JESSICA: It's ta-roo!

DADCHEY (muttering, to self): In a boy band, and he's got to do this to get laid? Even O-Town gets pussy.

JESSICA: This is delicious Momchey! What is it again?

MOMCHEY: Turkey.

JESSICA: Wow, that's neat. At my house on Thanksgiving, we sacrifice an ugly sister. But we ran out of them, so, here I am with you!

NICK: It's true. Ashlee barely made it.

JESSICA: That's what that song Pieces of Me is really about. It's not a smiley, we were going to chop her up.

NICK: Simile sweetie. And actually, that would be more of a metaphor.

JESSICA: What's a meta for?

NICK: You're such a good actress, babe.

Dadchey begins to beat his head against the table. Momchey sheds a single solitary tear as she starts to clear dishes. Nick and Jessica make out over the stuffing and cranberry sauce.

Lights Down

Comments

[Jason]

Okay, that's brilliant.