overeducated and underemployed

poking the bully with a stick

Al Franken challenges Bill O'Reilly to a friendly bowling competition. The liberal comedian and radio host proposes that the men bury the hatchet over the pins on October 7th, as part of meetup.com's plan to give partisans a break from the election. Of course, the offer is ever-so-genuine, as Franken poses the event as a chance for O'Reilly "to prove his [often questioned] working class bona fides."

For O'Reilly's part, he's hiding behind Fox spokesman Rob Zimmerman. The consistent to a fault (read: full of shit) Zimmerman, who earlier this week accused Comedy Central of having no sense of humor, seems to have suddenly lost his, haughtily offering that: “Bill O’Reilly is not going to respond to anything Al Franken says.”

I think it's safe to assume that Bill O'Reilly isn't going to respond to what just about anyone says, except himself, based on track record.

sick sad world

Avenue Q puppets take to the streets of New York for a mock presidential debate. The puppets did not require a lengthy argument-numbing treatise on debate rules, and covered many important, relevant issues...meaning that tonight's match-up between the actual candidates will likely only rank as the third best of the day (Sneaking in at number two, my brief but spirited discussion with the Solomonster about lunch location. Brilliant rhetoric, on both sides.)

Maybe we should all just vote the felt party?

you know, you never hear the "hazing saved my life" stories

Listen up, greeks.

Last night, Cleveland Indians pitcher Kyle Denney was protected from a stray bullet that grazed the team bus by his handy white cheerleading boots. Let's jump straight past the who the fuck is shooting at the Indian's bus and the what the fuck are cheerleading boots questions to why the fuck was he wearing them? Well... he's a rookie. And in the Indians organization, that means dressing like a USC cheerleader, boots and all.

So, all you kappas and sigmas and such, next time you've got an alcohol poisoned freshman on your hands, remind the campus police that you haze to protect. From inexplicable stray bullets. And consciousness.

morning clips: voting is dramatic edition

- Cameron Diaz appears on Oprah, bursts into tears while discussing voter apathy. Cam was comforted by fellow histrionic celebrity, Drew Barrymore, whose self-indulgent Choose or Lose (featuring a sob-fest of her own) is airing on MTV this month.

- Bennifer Dos, no! Stop with your escalating! No parent-meeting, and definitely no undying-love-professing!

- Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are (gasp!) drifting apart. Says Lachey of his wife: "If I'd wanted a bimbo, I would have married Paris Hilton." To which we say: "You did meet her before saying I do, right Nick?"

- Not only is Ben McKenzie a star, he is smarter and better than you, you dirty LA monkey girl.(via defamer)

- It's been a tough week for the Swass Report, but all pain has been prelude to this. May the luck o' the Gutte bless us all.

tree hill-arity

As a soon-to-be-bride, I am so glad that I watched last night's One Tree Hill. Here I've been, organizing a simple, traditional wedding, completely unaware of how wrong all my plans are. How could I have overlooked the need for fake ID booths, condom balloons, and elevator sex games? Can you imagine the horrific disaster my nuptials would have been without the help of the WB?

Despite the helpful wedding tips, I'm probably only slightly exaggerating when I say that last night's episode was possibly the worst One Tree Hill ever, which of course, inversely makes it the best. Why was it so bad? Glad you asked!

1. Dan Scott has a new lease on life and has become nice. Unbearably so. He's downright Christ-like, and I anticipate he will walk on water shortly.

2. The writers attempts at humor have caused the African Americans in town, once relegated to basketball scenes, to become hideous stereotypes. I suppose we could debate which role is better, but the lines they gave "Skillz" were cringeworthy.

3. Brooke's insane sex-drive, becoming less believable and more contrived with every passing episode.

4. I still don't know why Keith and Lucas moved back. Dan? Really? Can't they just break the fourth wall for a moment and say "we came back because without us there's no show" and then resume whatever antics they're up to this week? It would be far less distracting.

5. The only people who are intentionally funny, Haley's parents, are hopping on an RV and getting the crap out of this crazy town. But Huey! It's hip to be square! You've got to get back, in time. To Tree Hill. Umm, I'm so happy to be stuck with you! And so forth!

giving in to the siren's song

The man is magnetic!

Cheney and his wife share a laugh over Kerry's tan:

Meanwhile, in a metaphorical land far far away, real issues grow atrophied and bored, waiting to be discussed.

where everybody knows your name

The Sports Guy kicks it at Sonny McLean's.

Inevitable, but awesome nonethless. Way better than the pub's appearance on The Bachelor last year. They're still trying to clean all that Trish-skank off the air hockey table.

who is the effing muffin man?

The one bright spot for me on Tuesday and Thursday mornings is that those days are muffin days. Muffins, yeah! They break up the monotony of the OftenHardByTheTimeIArriveToWork Bagels, which we get on every other day. We used to get the OHBTTIATW Bagels everyday until we staged a corporate coup and won the two days of muffin heaven.

So anyway, I was really looking forward to having one of those delicious muffins. Especially, the one with the little yummy chocolate chips inside. I enter the kitchen mouth all watery and then SHOCK, HORROR, AGHASTISHNESS!!!!!!

Someone had actually taken it upon themselves to cut off the top of the only chocolate chip muffin left. They cut the fucking head off and left the body! Can you believe that shit? This is some muffin hostage holding office kitchen insurgent shit. I felt like screaming, "You moved the headstones, but you didn't move the bodies! Why! Why! Why!" (Thank you Craig T. Nelson.)

Yeah, yeah. I know. Just eat another kind of muffin, right? NO, FUCK THAT! The other two muffins left were the retarded ones with pecans and poppy seeds. Who the hell wants to eat pecans and poppy seeds first thing in the muthafuckin morning? Maybe birds and squirrels do, but I sure as hell don't. I don't know who the culprit was, but I made sure to say how ghetto cutting off the top of the muffin was. And then I ate the muffin torso and went about my day.

[ed. note: top o' the muffin to you, chino!]

sweet jesus

IS ANYONE ACTUALLY VOTING FOR BUSH?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! ARGH!!!

In honor of this intellectually vacant moment of emotional honesty, I would like to announce the addition of 1115.org to the blogroll...because I just can't bring myself to blog politics on a regular basis, and even if I did, it wouldn't be anywhere near as good.

lucky bastard

John Corbett pulls a Ricky Williams, decides to retire while his tresses are still long and gleaming

"Acting--I'll tell you this--here's how boring acting is: The longest that you get to do it, the longest, is about 90 seconds between 'action' and 'cut'. I mean, for them to roll tape for 90 seconds, that's a long take, and that's about the max that you get to get your jollies off and do a scene. And then, just as you're getting warmed up, it's, 'Cut, huh, we'll see you in about a half hour. We've got to move the camera around, okay, great. We'll see you in two hours.' And I can't do that any more...at a regular job I would have to work nine or 10 years to make what I can in seven weeks...You're asked to come in for five or six weeks and they will literally give you wheelbarrows full of money...Now I've saved up enough of that cash, not to brag, but I've saved up enough that I don't have to do this anymore. So I'm going to do something I really enjoy now...Country music."

And here you were, foolishly hoping that Hollywood success was based on who "wants it more."