overeducated and underemployed

i like to learn a little something new every day.

Finally! Someone addresses the very disturbing ballpark frank hot dog commercial in which a regular grilling guy utters the word "girthy" not once, not twice, but seven times. In addition to articulating how completely wrong the commercial is, the article imparts knowledge of a word I had heretofore been unaware of: fellatiator. I haven't heard something as simultaneously icky, base, and yet somehow academic since feminists in PCU claimed to be "fighting the phallacracy." Fellatiator. Use it today!

who wants to be the canadian life-saving dog?

Wouldn't the search for the canadian dog who "melted" the heart of a man on the way to a killing spree make a great a reailty show? Packs of dogs, parading past the criminal's cell, performing heart warming tricks, wagging their tails, and mischieviously hiding shivs in the yard... It's family friendly content in the salacious world of crime and punishment. And if the ratings are bad, at least the apparent power of the puppies will serve as a reforming tool for a whole block of prisoners. How many shows can claim that?

From the innocence of Canada to the mean streets of Sacramento: Gov. Schwarzenegger's attempts to kill strays after only three days in state custody have been thwarted. Great. So that means that the current six day time frame will stand? Phew. And I was worried we were getting hasty.

morning clips: insane per-screen average edition

- Fahrenheit 911 breaks all kinds of records, causes complete pandemonium in my Los Angeles neighborhood. The Crest Westwood Theatre, generally the easiest moviegoing experience around, was not only sold out, it was surrounded by people. People in cars, in line, with signs and t-shirts, registering voters. I let the Solomonster out of the car to confirm that the movie was indeed sold out, and momentarily became frightened that the rabid group, so enthused by the Michael Moore film, might attack my car which still bears a Nader 2000 sticker. Luckily, that fear was completely ridiculous, and we rode off into the night, unscathed but without seeing the movie. [ed. note: i know, i'm lazy, and i should get a new bumper sticker. maybe one of those "as long as it's not w" ones...]

- Holy crap! Pitchfork looks different. Not sure about the color choice, but the layout is just a tad more readable, and on a site with so much front page content, I appreciate that. Well done, indie nerds.

- Plans are in the works for a new Jane Austen movie. Not an adaptation, but a film about the novelist herself. I'm already feeling giggly and British over this. Someone fetch the smelling salts.

Interactive "clips" moment: did you see F911? Where do you live? Was it pure insanity?

excuse me, where are the corpse clean-up kits?

Disturbing. Disgusting. HILARIOUS!!! No, that's not the new EOTM slogan, but is in fact the best way to describe the latest hijinks to occur in Wal-Martland.

Have we really gotten to a point in our society where a blood soaked man paying with blood soaked bills can just drive off in the middle of the night in his blood soaked pick-up? And what bodily fluid do you need to be drenched in in order to be detained? I went to Wal-Mart once and I was immediately followed by an "Associate." And then subsequently tracked by security from the fabrics to the parking lot. Was I covered in blood? No. Oh wait, but I was covered in something. Brown skin. Perhaps if I had been covered in spooge buying sponges with spooge soaked bills I would have been able to slop on out at my own leisure. Maybe I would have been white enough then. [ed. note: or sticky/icky enough]

sister, sister

So, it has now become painfully clear: we are looking at a good month sans-Olsen. Who are the sisterly duos who will aim to fill the power vacuum left behind with their multi-hyphenate "talents" and wholesome/teetering-into-slutty good looks? O and U takes a look at The Sisters of Summer.

1. Hilary and Haylie Duff: Strike one against the Sisters Duff- I had never heard of Haylie until about a week ago, when I saw a video for their fairly heinous cover of "Our Lips are Sealed" Strike two- Haylie looks like Hilary, only a little off, which feels weird, and fails to fulfill the appeal of Olsen symmetry.

2. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson: The queens of MTV reality. Jessica plays dumb blonde, Ashlee plays serious artist, neither come off all that well. At this point, if we're looking at Olsen twin spot-stealing ability, Jessica's complete and utter legality (she's ancient!) might be holding these two back. That, and Ashlee's irritatingly spelled name and ludicrous hair.

3. Tia and Tamera Mowry: Thought they might be worth a little research, given their actual twin-hood. But they're so off the radar that half the links I found for them are no longer valid. So, moving on....

4. The Pointer Sisters: Jump, jump for their aging love! Alright, so there's three of them and they haven't been seen in years. But maybe, just maybe, the universal inbalance created by the Olsen twin's departure from the public eye has created the exact right elements for a comeback. They are family y'all. They are SO excited, and they just can't hide it.

5. Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan's Boobs: The strongest contenders to take the Olsen's place in America's hearts as actresses/singers/kinda icky sex symbols. Sure, Lohan doesn't technically have a famous or even semi-famous sister, but both the size and cult status of her breasts provide the second persona necessary to make her Olsen-worthy. Coming up: Lohan costars with her boobs in Herbie: Fully Loaded, Dramarama, Gossip Girls, Fashionistas, Mean Girls 2, and other sassily named teen movies. Also, look for her to further explore a music career, with her boobs dutifully singing back up.

dizzick chizzaney in tha muthafuccin senate hizzouse

Today, OG on tha gangsta lean Dick "The Dream" Cheney laid out an old-school frank exchange of views. And yes, somebody got served. Who got served? Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont, that's who got served. See, The Dream was just representin' his boyz in tha Halliburton to Leahy, who was frontin'. Leahy confirmed that, yes, The Dream did drop the f-bomb, and was probably not having a good day. Looks like Cheney needs to listen to some more Cube.

[writer's note: was this a little too much of a rip-off of the onion's h-dog?]

[ed. note: yes. you've just destroyed any credibility this blog has earned. go fuck off to 90showboat.blogspot.com. and stop the shameless self-promotion.]

[ed. real note: you can't write my editor's notes for me. i banish you to the showboat. and learn how to link your own shit. i know you can do it, i've seen your site]

it just makes me want to beat up lars ulrich.

Did you get screwed by the recording industry? Here's 1300 Whitney Houston cd singles for your trouble.

Washington state school and public libraries are the first of forty-three states to receive their settlement cd's as a result of a price-fixing lawsuit. Though the librarians are appreciative, they can't help but wonder why they have "raunchy rap", 57 copies of "Three Mo Tenors", and yes, all that effing Whitney Houston. Still others admit, it looks like "music companies were dumping stale inventory."

So let me get this straight. Record companies price gouge schools and libraries, lose a court case stating as much, and then screw them on the settlement end with useless cds. And I'm not allowed to burn a copy of Velvet Revolver for a few of my friends?

george lucas, totally insane

[ed. note: I'm sure for those who keep up with this stuff this is old news. But I'm not a nerd. Okay, that's a lie. I'm not this kind of nerd.]

Gary Oldman is set to play the deadliest Star Wars villain around (thereby completing the very difficult to achieve "space-villain triumvirate" he began with the Fifth Element, and Lost in Space). And just what is the name of this villain? Fucking General Grievous. Oh, it gets better. You see, the General is part-alien/part-robot. And he hates him some Jedi. One might say he has a grievance against them. He may commit various grievous crimes on his quest to destroy them. The galaxy will grieve, and feel much grievousness, as a result of General Grievous, I can tell you that much.

politics make me giggle. that is, when they're not making me cry.

Turns out you don't have to be a rock star to support Kerry: A Democratic group is sending cons out "to go door to door registering voters in key states". I just wish I could have been in on the brainstorming meeting that produced this idea. Hey, while we're at it, let's send Nambla, the Manson Family and team up with some school kids on their damned candy bar/wrapping paper rounds. Show what a broad appeal Kerry has.

In other delightful democratic news, Paula Jones wants to "debate" Bill Clinton. Is a debate really the forum Ms. Jones seems to be seeking in this get-up? Maybe Fox can run some kind of celebrity cat-fight?

who's coming to clipper country?

We know it's not going to be TMac. Could it be Shaun Livingston? Luol Deng? As the Solomonster says, the Clippers are where Duke players who leave early are sent for punishment. Need further proof? I offer you Coach Mike Dunleavy taking a bullet for his son by helming the Clips, while Mikey Jr. lives the good life at Golden State.

Ironic then that "Kobay", who as a high schooler had plans to be a Blue Devil, might find himself suffering the delayed fate of Clipper-dom. Of course, it would just be the luck of the Sterling if Bryant were to sign on, only to be convicted of rape during the off-season...