I kind of hate season finale cliffhangers. Sure, they're exciting, but if you can't give the people a little "next week on" then you're just a sadist. For example, last year's Alias "I lost 2 years of my life" bullshit really drove me up the wall. But still, I'd honestly take that frustration over the sheer boredom of watching Chino drive back to Chino, Seth sail out to sea, the Cohen parents cry, and Marissa hint at a return to her alcoholic days of yore. Yes, the O.C. finale was beautiful, it was touching, it was full of cute references to the pilot...but it was just a teensy bit boring. Where was the sex? the drugs? the self-knowing quips we have come to expect? And it was all set to the tune of Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah." Few folks love the Buckley as much as I, but hey, Mr. Schwartz, it's been done before. On both The West Wing and Scrubs.
In fact, to honor a great season gone by, and to rectify last night's satisfying but far too subtle spectacle, I present to you:
THE NEW O.C. FINALE!
-Theresa is pregnant, and the only way to discover the father's identity is to have Eddie and Ryan engage in a car-stealing contest. After thousands of Newport Beach citizens lose their property and lives in the battle, the decision is made in sudden death overtime. Eddie's facial hair makes him far more Chino than Chino, and Theresa isn't interesting, so Eddie is deemed the daddy and the two ride off towards a grainy sunset.
-Sensing that things may be right with Marissa and Ryan, Oliver Trask returns from whatever fabulous european asylum he has been inhabiting and starts standing outside of windows. Mwhahaha.
-Seth and Summer decide to redecorate Marissa's new room (AGAIN), but Marissa hates it. She ingests every illicit substance she can get her hands on and (gasp) starts playing tennis again.
-At Caleb and Julie's wedding, Jimmy Coop and Hailey make out. There is a pew-clearing brawl. Later, at the beachside reception Marissa blacks out and is airlifted off the dance floor.
-Summer, Julie, Kirsten, Hailey, and Marissa are all pregnant, and the father is Oliver Trask. Not knowing what to do, the men of the O.C. take refuge from Trask on the Summer Breeze, and end up afloat in the Pacific, tattered and hungry, with only Elian Gonzales to keep them company.
-Having been inpregnated by someone as evil, evil, evil as Oliver, the women find themselves giving birth almost immediately to....Rooney! Fully grown, clothed, and ready to sh-sh-shake it.
- Purposeless since leaving Newport, Luke has become a "Rooney-head", following them from show to show. He arrives in the O.C, is utterly dismayed to see that everything has changed since he moved to Portland, and tearfully whispers, "this is NOT how we do it in the O.C., bitches." He then focuses his emotions into laying the great gatsby down on Oliver, and emerges victorious.
-Their enemy is vanquished, but with Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" playing in the background we are left to wonder...who will save the men from certain death at sea? Who will help the women lose all that baby weight to return to emaciated O.C. form? When Marissa od's again (from post-partum depression) who will wear a tube top at her bedside? Find out next fall, on Fox.