open your mouth to me

Just in case ya'll didn't know, viewing the Snatchelor... I mean, the Bachelor is a weekly ritual of ours. Meggers, the Solomonster, McChez, RockStarJeff, and yours truly all gather around the big screen and worship the reality TV gods that have blessed us with Jesse Palmer and his mad kissing skillz. This is how our evening unfolded (don't let the timeline confuse you - we watch the Bachelor on Tivo after the OC):

10:15pm: Jenny reveals to the real bachelorettes that she has actually known Jesse for like 10 yrs and lied to all of them to help him pick the right snatch. Oh my! The shrieking and crying that follow are ear-piercing. But not as annoying as when Jenny says "I never expected to fall in love with all of you." Gag me! (preferably with Jesse's tongue).

10:25pm: Jesse is on his 1st one-on-one date with Jessica B and it's a high school cheerleader's wet dream - on the 50-yard line with the quarterback, a marching band comes out to form a heart around them, they make out, blah, blah, blah.

10:30pm: On date #2 Jesse takes aqua-phobic Mandy J on a yacht. And though I pray and pray that Jesse will resist the temptation, sure enough he comes up behind Mandy J and pins her against the bow of the boat. I can only close my eyes in horror of what will come next. "I'm the King of the World!" he shouts. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU ARE NOT LEONARDO! OH MY EARS!!

10:40pm: Date 3 is the loser group date with Karen, Suzie, and the Whore...I mean, Trish. The aforementioned lady of ill-repute promptly pulls our hero aside to answer any questions he might have about her prostitution, puts on a thin veneer of contrition, and then flips out because the sordid details of her whoring have actually been made slightly less sordid (and therefore less accurate) in Jenny's retelling. The nerve of that Jenny! They finish their conversation confirming what a horrible person Trish is by making out on a picnic blanket. Next comes Karen. Jesse says he was really happy to have this time with her because he knows so little about her. And what better way is there to "get to know" someone than making out on a picnic blanket? Finally, Jesse gets some alone time with Suzie. Now, I bet you're guessing that they just made out on a picnic blanket. Well, my friends, that's a negative...they make out in the tent and actually get vertical. Hottt.

10:50pm: Date #4 is with Tara, the Britney look-a-like. Jesse tells Tara that he feels like she isn't opening up to him. In watching the rest of this date, we realize that what Jesse means is that he feels like she isn't opening her mouth when they kiss.

10:55pm: The Rose Ceremony: Roses are given to Jessica B, Mandy J, TRISH, and Tara. I know - WHAT?! TRISH? Oh don't worry. Jesse explains why - "I decided to give Trish the benefit of the doubt." Can someone please explain to Jesse Palmer what that phrase means? I don't think that it means giving Trish yet another chance to prove to him that she is not a whore when all the evidence (and by evidence I mean, all the words that have come out of her own mouth and into his own ears) would lead one to think that she is, indeed, a whore! As the Solomonster so eloquently said "I bet you can drive a truck through her vag."

For my part, I think her vagina is not only large, but magic. Capable of producing chubby hubby ice-cream even. How else would she be convincing Jesse to keep her around? I suppose we'll find out next week, when Jesse goes to meet the girl's families.

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[Rhonda]

Well, cheers to you. While you were stuffing your face with microwave pop and living vicariously through the lives of "Summer" and that slut in Vegas, our fellow Brits were working hard on a solution to one of the fastest growing dangers in the kitchen, Exploding Eggs.

After using the mirco to re-heat a hard boiled egg, a 9 year old girl was walking back to the couch when the egg literally exploded in her face and nearly took her sight. Shell fragments everywhere.

"Unless people are educated about the dangers, we may see more of these cases"

Saurabh Goyal, ophthalmic surgeon-

See, it is serious. The little girl does not have her full field of vision back but she did learn her lesson about eating in the living room, and not at the dinner table.