overeducated and underemployed

when we move you move

Be like Employee! Or at least, a few of us. We're headed to "The Scene" tonight to check out RockStarJeff's band, Wires on Fire. For further info/hottness, refer to former employee and all around great gal, Jessica Blueprint.

shut up! satiated? i don't even know what that means!

"Not only did Saturday Night Live's first female head writer and sarcastic Weekend Update anchor, Tina Fey, write the screenplay for the movie Mean Girls, but the bespectacled brunette also plays a math teacher in the movie. Oh, and she drops words like satiated into casual conversation. Could any geek lover ask for more?...We found Fey to be as smart, funny and, contrary to the movie's title and her own confessions, nice. Commence crushing now..."

Have we been dumbed down enough that satiate passes as a really impressive word? I'm not knocking Tina Fey here, because I doubt she used it to woo all the "geek lovers", as it was so delicately put. In fact, I'm quite sure it's just the way she, a normal person, talks. Yes, this question is for the suckas at E! online. Seriously, what up?

Secondly, and I fucking love Tina Fey, but I'm just wondering...why is it suddenly so important to the media that she be hot and crushworthy? Frankly, I was satiated with her just being funny as hell.

we got a great big convoy

Truckers stop and block off section of Los Angeles freeway in "wildcat" protest against rising gas prices. Beyond this being vigilante action at its awesomest, it has rekindled my jr. high school urges to be involved in some kind of spontaneous traffic situation much like the "Everybody Hurts" video. I would be so brooding and soooo angry at the man.

"They just... they just got out and walked."

i am so ready to cross this picket line

I don't know any of the details of the Writer's Guild's negotiations with Hollywood studios, and I'm sure, in the long run, I want them to win out. But if these guys strike next week, let me just say that I am your scab Hollywood. I will write your movies, your tv, your pornos, whatever.

food? what a novel idea!

What fancy thoughts does Miss Sarah Mc have today...?

I have learned so much since watching the O.C., my life has been forever changed. One of the most important things I have learned is that girls should never, ever, absolutely not, ever, eat. When I was growing up in a land very very far away from that which is the O.C., my parents raised me on something called "food". They would put this "food" into my "mouth", whereby it would travel to my "stomach" while being converted into "energy" which then allowed me to "live". Yes, my parents were cruel beings, always forcing on me "meats" and "vegetables", which I would unknowingly put into my body and continue my days full of energy none the wiser. I shouldn't blame my parents too much though, they didn't know that one day I would live in a land where "eating"="vomiting", and most girls wear the clothes they once dressed their Barbie’s in. All I know is that I grew up never knowing the joys of chopping vegetables with my pelvic bones, or using my elbows as lethal weapons for slashing and slicing like freshly sharpened knives. Sometimes, in my weakest moments, I wonder if Marissa ever ponders what it might be like to use her teeth for something other than glinting the light in a perfectly poised shot, or if Summer ever questioned why the only utensil she ever used was a straw all the while those pesky crows circling her, but then I shake my head, smile and say "Oh Sarah, what are you thinking you crazy gal!".

It must be all that damn "food" that's got me so "thinky". Hopefully by next weeks episode I'll be too weak to type and my body will have turned on itself, in true O.C. style. Ah, one can only hope...

9-0-2-1-0...Take Off Your Pants!

Oh, the beautiful Hills of Beverly. A place where one might expect to see movie stars, rock stars, or rap stars smothered in platinum and hos. But would one expect to see a naked man running and screaming through the streets? Surely this type of thing would be reserved for a European futbol game or UNC. The last thing I expected to witness from my office window would be the Beverly Hills Streaker, but there he was with his weiner to the wind.

Thankfully, I was busy not working, and ran outside immediately. When hijinks abound I am not one to miss out. Especially if they are naked hijinks. I'm not exactly sure what BHS's malfunction was, but he appeared to be tweaking out on some kind of controlled substance. I'm told that taking acid will make you take your clothes off with fear that things are crawling allover your body. What kind of things? Bugs? Worms? I've never dropped said acid before, but I like to think that I'd come up with something a little bit more creative than the common ant. Imagine being covered in duck-billed platypi! Now there's a reason to shed clothing. (As though any reason was needed.) Maybe BHS didn't think he was covered in creatures. I think he thought he was a banana and he needed to peel himself in order to run faster in the Beverly Hills Banana Marathon. Although, this doesn't explain why he was screaming. Bananas probably just like to scream a lot.

So, of course, the cops show up and have to ruin all the fun. The cops cornered him, but BHS made a mad dash for freedom. Unfortunately, he tripped and fell. More unfortunately, there were bushes blocking my view and the last thing I saw was the cop striking the, now out-of-sight BHS, with his baton. I am now left with the vision of the police brutally beating a man banana while he screams: "I just wanted to reach the finish line! WHY GOD, WHY?!?!?!

open your mouth to me

Just in case ya'll didn't know, viewing the Snatchelor... I mean, the Bachelor is a weekly ritual of ours. Meggers, the Solomonster, McChez, RockStarJeff, and yours truly all gather around the big screen and worship the reality TV gods that have blessed us with Jesse Palmer and his mad kissing skillz. This is how our evening unfolded (don't let the timeline confuse you - we watch the Bachelor on Tivo after the OC):

10:15pm: Jenny reveals to the real bachelorettes that she has actually known Jesse for like 10 yrs and lied to all of them to help him pick the right snatch. Oh my! The shrieking and crying that follow are ear-piercing. But not as annoying as when Jenny says "I never expected to fall in love with all of you." Gag me! (preferably with Jesse's tongue).

10:25pm: Jesse is on his 1st one-on-one date with Jessica B and it's a high school cheerleader's wet dream - on the 50-yard line with the quarterback, a marching band comes out to form a heart around them, they make out, blah, blah, blah.

10:30pm: On date #2 Jesse takes aqua-phobic Mandy J on a yacht. And though I pray and pray that Jesse will resist the temptation, sure enough he comes up behind Mandy J and pins her against the bow of the boat. I can only close my eyes in horror of what will come next. "I'm the King of the World!" he shouts. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU ARE NOT LEONARDO! OH MY EARS!!

10:40pm: Date 3 is the loser group date with Karen, Suzie, and the Whore...I mean, Trish. The aforementioned lady of ill-repute promptly pulls our hero aside to answer any questions he might have about her prostitution, puts on a thin veneer of contrition, and then flips out because the sordid details of her whoring have actually been made slightly less sordid (and therefore less accurate) in Jenny's retelling. The nerve of that Jenny! They finish their conversation confirming what a horrible person Trish is by making out on a picnic blanket. Next comes Karen. Jesse says he was really happy to have this time with her because he knows so little about her. And what better way is there to "get to know" someone than making out on a picnic blanket? Finally, Jesse gets some alone time with Suzie. Now, I bet you're guessing that they just made out on a picnic blanket. Well, my friends, that's a negative...they make out in the tent and actually get vertical. Hottt.

10:50pm: Date #4 is with Tara, the Britney look-a-like. Jesse tells Tara that he feels like she isn't opening up to him. In watching the rest of this date, we realize that what Jesse means is that he feels like she isn't opening her mouth when they kiss.

10:55pm: The Rose Ceremony: Roses are given to Jessica B, Mandy J, TRISH, and Tara. I know - WHAT?! TRISH? Oh don't worry. Jesse explains why - "I decided to give Trish the benefit of the doubt." Can someone please explain to Jesse Palmer what that phrase means? I don't think that it means giving Trish yet another chance to prove to him that she is not a whore when all the evidence (and by evidence I mean, all the words that have come out of her own mouth and into his own ears) would lead one to think that she is, indeed, a whore! As the Solomonster so eloquently said "I bet you can drive a truck through her vag."

For my part, I think her vagina is not only large, but magic. Capable of producing chubby hubby ice-cream even. How else would she be convincing Jesse to keep her around? I suppose we'll find out next week, when Jesse goes to meet the girl's families.

wednesday's vengeful latin rhythm

Senor John Stevens, El Diablo sin talento, has finally been ousted from American Idol after his excruciating performance of the already excruciating NSync/Gloria Estefan opus, "Music of My Heart". Jennifer Hudson rejoices, then makes creepy I'm gonna eat you face.

Now listen, the Employees don't make a habit of knocking 16 year olds for badly singing their little hearts out. We totally understand the awkwardness of a high school musical production: the furtive backstage romance, the cracking pubescent voices, the uncomfortably sexy quick changes. We appreciate the plight of the teen. Except when those teens take their act to our precious precious televisions. At which point we turn on them viciously, unleashing the powerful words of a Simpsons-drawn Tito Puente.

So...let this be a lesson to you, bad-singing 16 year olds of the world.

could an employee suffer a worse fate?

I cannot browse, scan, read, nor surf the internet without causing computer-wide catastrophe. My day, it is ruined. Ruined! Thankfully I've got the aide of 10 other employees to keep this showboat a-runnin'. As we speak, K-Na is crafting Snatchelor news, filled with pretty paint drawings of Jesse making out with every blonde ever. Hottt. Stay tuned.

back off uri

We might not be friends with Michael Jackson, but we're pretty sure that ABC's tasteless baby adoption special "Be My Baby" is a rip off of our already performed skit, and not your unpublished novel.